Archive for the 'interpersonal' Category
Posted on September 8, 2010
It was a painful conversation to witness. I was meeting with Jennifer and Patrick. They are partners in a small professional service firm. We were discussing things that the business needed and trying to prioritize those needs.
Patrick was quite adamant that the accounting system needed to be overhauled. Now.
Jennifer was concerned that the firm needed to be developing its junior staff. Then she started thinking about more concerns.
“In addition to accounting and training, I’ve been concerned that we may be behind on our policies and procedures manuals,” Jennifer said.
Then she added: “What about that new product line we’ve planned? And then there’s . . .”
Patrick blew up. “You’re doing it again. You’re throwing more issues on the table than we can possibly deal with. We agreed to focus on one. And it’s the accounting system. And it needs to be done NOW.”
That’s when I had to step in.
Patrick is one of those folks who can focus intensely on one topic and deal with it right away. He wants closure. Jennifer is one of those folks who needs to explore lots of options before she decides anything.
What do you do when you find yourself in their situation?
You first, before you even start the conversation, state what outcome you want from the discussion.
Then you set a timeframe for the discussion. Patrick could do it in 2 minutes. Jennifer might want to take 2 hours. You agree on a compromise that gives Jennifer her “and another thing” time. And you agree that you will make a decision at the end of that compromise time.
It’s not perfect but Jennifer gets to do her thing and Patrick knows he will get a decision when they’re done.
Posted on February 26, 2010
Here’s another simple communication tip that’s a lot harder than it seems.
Ban the use of the word “but.”
For example, you’re in a team meeting and people are evaluating whether to open another office location. Paul says, “We’ve got a client in the area. It makes sense to set up an office there to give us a local presence.”
Natalie replies: “But that’s going to cost us for office space and all that.”
The “but” immediately discredits Paul’s idea. What if Natalie had just dropped the “but” and said, “That’s going to cost us for office space and all that.”
See what happens? The critical tone is gone. She is just stating a fact, rather than implying an opinion.
That leaves room for the conversation to continue.
Some people suggest using the word “and” where you would typically say “but.”
For example, “I would really like to see that movie, but tonight isn’t going to work for me.” What happens when you change it to “I would really like to see that movie, and tonight isn’t going to work for me.”
It’s weird and it’s awkward. But (I know) the awkwardness of it will make you realize how often you use the word “but.” Give it a try.
Posted on August 26, 2009
I am one of those folks who doesn’t like conflict. I’m talking about conflict between individuals over major things or, in some cases, even minor things.
Susan Scott, no relation, wrote a fantastic book for people like me. “Fierce Conversations” offers a ton of great content, but its best piece for me is a roadmap to plan to have a difficult conversation.
I’ve used that roadmap three times in the past week.
The first time it was for a conversation I had to have with John, who had used my name without my permission. I was already upset with John over some other issues.
But then he wrote in an email that I had recommended him to someone–when I hadn’t.
I know redheads get a rap as having a bad temper, but I don’t think that’s true. In this case, though, John had crossed the line, and I was furious.
I knew I had to confront him. And “Fierce Conversations” helped me do that in a safe, healthy way.
A couple days later, I pulled out the book to help a friend plan a fierce conversation with one of her trusted advisers. And two days later it was to help a client deal with a performance issue with one of her staff.
For all three of us–me, my friend, and my client–”Fierce Conversations” gave us a way to take on a difficult task and address the anger that was festering in each of us.
The outcome of each conversation was much better than each of us expected. And the relief from finally having the conversations was immense.
“Fierce Conversations” should be on your bookshelf, if not for you then for someone you know.
Posted on July 15, 2008
I was talking with one client this week about the climate in his office. The economic slowdown is having some impact, he said, but they’re still doing business and keeping people billable.
“There’s some tension, for sure,” Fred said. “You listen to all the dire media reports and news of layoffs at other firms–people are wary. On top of all that, it doesn’t help when my office manager, Susan, screams at staff when anything goes wrong.”
Say more, I said.
“Susan’s interpersonal skills are definitely lacking,” Fred said. “She sees things only from the financial side. If a project goes over budget, she lights into the project manager (PM). She really adds to the tension around here.”
What’s Going On
Looking at the situation in a little more detail, we realize Susan doesn’t have the same perspective as the PM. She comes from a financial background. She looks at things in black and white-we made money, we lost money.
When they go over-budget on a job, Susan screams at the PM. He or she is the one responsible. And Susan is the one who has to report the bad financial news to the owner. She doesn’t like being in that position, either.
Of course, the PM knows it isn’t that simple. The PM realizes his success depends on the relationship with the client. Sometimes he’ll do something extra to please the client and realize it will hurt the project budget.
At other times, the PM may not have budgeted enough time for tasks in the project.
Regardless of the situation, Susan screams at the PM (which others hear) and huffs back to her office. No communication takes place.
As Fred and I talked, we decided Susan needs some coaching. Her behavior is unprofessional and disruptive. Fred can’t let her continue to get away with it.
A Plan for Susan
Here is the plan for Fred coaching Susan.
He confronts her on her behavior and how he wants to see it change. [If Fred is one of those folks who does not like conflict or to confront others, he needs to read Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott (no relation).]
1. Susan needs to learn to ask questions of the PM in a non-threatening manner and in a tone of voice appropriate for the office. Fred will have to give her a conversation opener she can use, such as:
“I saw that Project X ran over budget by $X,000. I am going to have to explain that to the CEO when we take a loss on that job. Would you help me understand what happened here?”
She does not want to say something like “Tell me what went wrong on this job”-too confrontational. She needs to gather information. “Can you help me understand” is one of the strongest forms of questions you can ask.
2. Susan needs to learn the business cycle so she understands engineering firms are in the relationship business. Coming from a financial or operational background, she doesn’t really understand what “relationship business” means to Fred-networking, marketing, etc.
She needs to see figures related to repeat business (percentage and actual dollars), referrals, lost clients. Those figures will help her black and white thinking understand the gray world of relationships.
3. Susan also needs to understand how she comes across to others. People who behave like Susan tend to not realize that they leave a wake behind them, as it says in Fierce Conversations. Just like a boat that leaves a wake behind, everything Susan says and does has a ripple effect through the firm.
What other boats is she tipping over with her wake?
Susan needs to change from her “Fire, Ready, Aim” mentality to one where she gets ready mentally, has the conversation with the PM, then realizes she doesn’t need to fire at all.
Posted on May 29, 2008
A few weeks ago, I offered suggestions for how to handle extraverts in the work place: Dealing With “Chatty Cathies.” I promised to give some insight into the introverts. That’s today’s topic.
Many of you know this joke, but I’ll repeat it here because it is so fitting.
“How do you tell the extraverted engineer from the introverted engineer?”
“The extraverted engineer is looking at your shoes.” (The introverted is looking at his own.)
Joke-telling is definitely not my forte, but I have a lot of experience with introverts. There are extraverted engineers out there, but they are the minority. The bulk of engineers I’ve met are introverts, and some are what I call raging introverts.
CHARACTERISTICS OF INTROVERTS
Introverts
* keep their energy and ideas inside, thus making it hard to get to know them
* may avoid (or run from) interaction with others
* hesitate before speaking
* thrive on alone time
* go deep on one or two areas of interest
* proceed cautiously in making decisions
* need to be asked for their opinion and input
* don’t give much away through facial expressions
HELP FOR INTROVERTS
“The introvert is pressured daily, almost from the moment of awakening, to respond and conform to the outer world,” according to Otto Kroeger and Janet Thuesen in their book “Type Talk.” If you are working with introverts, here is how you help them be more comfortable in a typical business situation.
* Give them questions and agendas ahead of meetings so they can think about the issues ahead of time. Do NOT ask an introvert a question and expect an immediate answer.
* Help them learn to interrupt others. This sounds very strange to extraverts, who interrupt all the time so that they can get their thoughts out. One introverted client, who is very smart, has been thought of as “not real bright” by an executive in her firm. He wants her to interrupt him, and she simply isn’t going to do that. I suggested she let him know that about her. She will wait until he is finished, then she will talk.
* Give them lots of prep time before any presentation. One introvert told me he was OK doing presentations, as long as he felt that he was fully prepared and knew what he was going to do. His version of fully prepared was much more extensive than an extravert’s version of fully prepared.
* Since introverts have to interact with others, suggest an introvert select a couple of topics that they are comfortable talking about in social settings or networking events. Again, give them time to prepare and to get comfortable with sharing. For men, this topic often involves sports.
* Allow introverts their alone time. If they don’t get this, they will stress out. If you are an introverted manager, close your office door. Let people know when you will take questions and when you want to be left alone.
For lots more great insight and information on introverts, read “The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extravert World” by Marti Olsen Laney.
A SMALL REQUEST
I’m hearing from lots of you that you find these weekly missives helpful and thought-provoking. That is certainly my intent.
You can help us by spreading the word. If you found info in today’s piece that was helpful to you, please forward the original email to ONE friend or colleague.
Just ONE. Help spread the word.
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